you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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