The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
