I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
