Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Your tits are I can't wait for
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
