brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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