We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
