i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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