you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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