I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Help. Why am I so naked?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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