While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
