I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
