She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
