That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
