i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
