When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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