Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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