so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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