I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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