You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
