Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
