i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
