sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
