we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
