I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
