I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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