wrigley field is MILF paradise
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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