You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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