He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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