Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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