Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
