That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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