yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
