I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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