my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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