Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
