he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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