I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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