we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
