you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
