should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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