I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
