If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
