So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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