oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Small penises have feelings too.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
