Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
