it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
