I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
