Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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