I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize