And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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