you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
