Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize