Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
