There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize