I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
