So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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