Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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