I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
