I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Congratulations! We have a period
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